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Very Billish Problems

  • A Bad Case of Pietrisycamollaviadelrechiotemexity

    hll.jpgNot having the faintest idea of who this Caroline Aherne is supposed to be, even after reading three obituaries.

  • Brex-IT

    UnchiAndRollie_12.pngWaiting desperately for Facebook to publish a series of stickers to make it possible for users to comment on Brexit.

  • Scrabble from the abble

    cwmbran.jpgThe odd feeling that the name of this Welsh town is like when you fail to draw any vowels at Scrabble and have no idea what word you'll make up with those letters.

  • York

    rain.jpg

     

    Suddenly realizing that having a fifth mug of Yorkshire tea is unlikely to make the weather any better.

  • Voodoo

    antigua.jpgNot being able to help yourself from imagining how hot it must be under those voodoo wizard costumes that are donned by some of the facetious people attending the 1st Test Match in Antigua.

     

    (one year ago)

  • Crikey

    crikey_.jpgNursing the feeling that everyone politely looks in another direction when you start making pungent cricket-related wisecracks.

  • Epiphany

    epiph.jpegSuddenly figuring out that no one actually reads these posts.

  • Spoilsport

    neil-halstead-palindrome-hunches-450.jpgFeeling slightly irked that your ivory-towerish Marksonian series of aphorisms has actually been read by someone, and even spoiled by an untimely, unseemly comment in French.

  • Daft detour

    zero.jpgGiving one's best shot to zero in on original topic by pasting ridiculous Getty Images owned photograph onto one's own FB wall.

  • Zaventem

    good.pngBeing crestfallen that the BBC should have found no other witness of the Brussels Zaventem terror attack than this Swissport employee who seems to have claimed, “It doesn't look good”.

  • At the grocer's

    cock_robin-the_promise_you_made_s_1.jpgWondering if anyone has overheard you singing to one of the crappiest pop songs ever as you were putting the broccoli down on the conveyor belt.

  • Irksome

    windows-movie-maker-2012-08-535x535.pngThe sheer pointlessness of having bothered to record one of your ludicrous improvised translations in your office at work and of then being tormented no end by the irksome ineffectiveness of the editing software.

  • Lunch time

    0290017105898422-c2-photo-oYToyOntzOjE6InciO2k6NjU2O3M6NToiY29sb3IiO3M6NzoiI0ZGRkZGRiI7fQ==-recette-pas-a-pas-du-clafouti-aux-cerises.jpgBiting ever so cautiously into your slice of clafoutis for fear of breaking your teeth on a hidden stone.

  • Happy norm

    whybehappywhenyoucouldbenormal_jeanette_winterson.jpg The moment  when, having checked on the French translation of a book by Jeanette Winterson in order to prepare a set of documents for a Translation Studies class, you realize that, a) the translation is appalling, b) you have four Facebook friends in common with the translator.

  • Snilmerge

    1300w-30792_Stunt_Puppet_Brain_Gremiln_04.jpgNever getting around to confessing that you've in fact never watched Gremlins because you were always too scared to have a go.

  • John

    article-1217965-06744C9B000005DC-820_468x569.jpgThe awed gaze of male students who have been discussing private matters in a very loud voice while never thinking that you, their methodology instructor, could be in the nearest can taking a crap.

  • Time

    Time to find a replacement 'bus on the day of a huge strike and then to walk from faraway bus stop to office : 37 minutes.

    xerox-9700-massive-old-printer.jpgTime to start the office computer and then have it open your PDF file before getting the office printer to work and spurt out 44 copies of the handout you need to give the students of your afternoon class : 1 hour and 13 minutes.

  • To-do

    todo.jpgAdding to an already arresting and awe-inspiring to-do list some of the things you have already done today.

  • Bikini line

    bikini-line-hair-removal.jpgBeing bold enough to stare mockingly and conspicuously at the three students sitting in the corridor and whom you have just heard loudly discussing the compared merits of home-made and professional pubic hair removal as if there were no one around.

  • Out of the blue

    Being very close to telling the blue-haired sabot-clad rugby-stockinged kilt-wearing 1st-year student who seems to be dumbfounded on seeing me say hello to her on the street, “For fuck's sake you've got blue hair and a kilt, can't you imagine I know I had you in one of my Monday classes ??”

  • Diaerhesis

    diaeresis-323.jpgThat deepest conviction that all of the diacritics that have gradually vanished from emails and text messages have found shelter in recent completely made-up baby first-names — especially French diaereses.

  • Rice

    1884.jpgNot being certain whether the 203 seconds it takes to open the easy-to-open packet are included in the 15-17 minutes required to get your rice “cooked to perfection”.

  • Heedless

    luther_m_2.jpgWaving heedlessly at the tram as if it were a bus, and then checking that none of the other people waiting have seen how asinine you are.

  • Cherry

    nas-featuring-amy-winehouse-cherry-wine-01.jpgThe moment when you would warmly wish for Google not to add the first ‘Google Images’ results to your query because you are trying to translate such terms as staphyloma and cherry eye... and you simply do not want to see what these look like on people's or animals' skins.

  • Quelque grande soit...

    4036235810_6ec539a9bc_z.jpgRealizing, once you have clicked on the ‘Send’ button, that you have made a slight mistake using a showy old-fangled turn of phrase in a professional email, and eating up the next hour reading occurrences of said phrase in dozens of even more superannuated books.

  • Ad-libbed

    tubruk.pngDiscovering that ad-lib can be used as a verb — cooking up a post to coin this on VBP — ending up with so many contrived sentences using similar synonyms that you're certain you've played by ear and trumped up everything — to the point of faking it.

  • Glitz

    2-4-49-dodd.jpgDespite not being well-read in Computerese and all things technical, being absolutely convinced that it is anomalous for your laptop's Webcam to come up with a three-minute video that is utterly cruddy and rinky-dink but which weighs no less than 4.1 gigabytes !

  • Modicus

    touchpad-21933818.jpgBorrowing your elder son's laptop and realizing after more than ten minutes that it's got a mouse, then putting your foot down and decreeing that the touchpad is more commodious anyway.

  • Yawn

    yawn.jpgHaving a sneaking suspicion that all these people yawning with their mouths open at bus stops are in fact actors hired to make car-drivers feel more mannerly or well-behaved –and even downright urbane.